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By Sarah J. Jacobs, Family Law Attorney
There’s no singular divorce experience. Divorcing couples come into the process angry, sad, frustrated, relieved, and anywhere in between. But if there is one common thread between divorce experiences, it’s this: the process can be stressful.
Divorce requires individuals to create a new plan for their current (and future, yet unknown) lives while navigating a rigorous legal landscape that requires them to make many significant decisions, file critical paperwork, and have discussions about often difficult topics. Like we said – stressful. Luckily, there are ways to make divorce less stressful.
Four Ways You Can De-Stress Your Divorce
But just because it can be stressful, doesn’t mean it has to be. Here are four divorce de-stressing tips from New Jersey law firm Jacobs Berger LLC based on the firm’s de-stress divorce doctrine, the guiding principles behind its family law practice, and what they’ve seen work (and what they’ve seen hasn’t) for their clients.
Find the right attorney for you
While the steps to get divorced can seem straightforward enough on paper (or a website), it looks different when you’re in the midst of filing deadlines, document exchanges, and negotiations. It also means learning an entirely new language while simultaneously executing on decisions.
This is why one of the first steps to make divorce less stressful is to find the right attorney.
Beyond translating the legalese in the divorce process, an attorney serves as an advocate for you. It’s their job to help you understand, for example, whether a proposed distribution of assets is fair or if you should craft a counteroffer, if a parenting time arrangement might not take into account future needs, or if your goal of staying in the marital home might jeopardize your financial security in the long run.
However, not every attorney is right for every client.
To find the right fit, consider interviewing multiple attorneys. As you do so, keep an eye out for an attorney who:
- You feel comfortable around. While you are not looking for a best friend, the person you hire should be relatable and allow you to speak freely about your concerns, hopes, and goals for the future. They should also speak to you in a way that makes you feel heard, seen, and understood.
- Asks questions about your goals. An attorney should want to understand your priorities and why those things matter to you. Someone interested in getting to know what drives your motivations and choices will be better able to help craft a desirable outcome (for YOU) on your behalf.
- Values communication. The right attorney will keep you informed throughout the process, checking in and updating you. To get a sense of how it would be to work with them, ask about the frequency of communication and how you’ll stay in touch.
Commit to clear and consistent communication
Once you’ve landed on the right attorney, it is crucial to keep an open dialogue with them. It’s the only way they can really understand your situation and guide you through decisions that impact your future financial security, living situation, and child custody arrangements. Towards this end, you should:
Identify the best ways to communicate for you. Is your phone always in hand or do you like space from technology? Do you like an old-fashioned phone call or prefer to meet in person? Sharing your communication preferences with your attorney makes it more likely that you’ll respond quickly.
Keep a running list of questions. If you wake up at 3am with a question about an upcoming deadline, jot it down. Same goes for any question that crops up during your divorce. Keeping a running list of questions ensures your concerns don’t get lost in the shuffle, and it also keeps conversations with your attorney productive. Sending a comprehensive email with as many questions as possible in one place also can help—it will cut down on the “hunt and peck” for both of you to find information but also reduce the amount of details which can get lost in the inbox vortex!
Ask if you don’t understand. There are no “bad” or “wrong” questions! Your attorney has heard all of them. What’s more, they understand how confusing legal terms and processes can be. If you’re unsure, ask for clarification so you can move forward with confidence.
Make informed decisions with digestible, straightforward information. Armed with the information you need; you can stand firm in your decisions. This doesn’t mean accepting everything your lawyer says. While they serve as your guide through this process, you ultimately have the final say.
Remember your goals
During a divorce, it’s easy to lose sight of the future when you have piles of paperwork, court deadlines, and big decisions to make now in front of you.
One way you can take control and ensure you stay focused on the future is to set clear goals. Take the time to consider where you want to be one month, six months, one year, or even five years from now and what steps you need to take to get there.
A clear goal focuses on what you want to achieve and why it matters to you. Together, these two pieces tether your actions to a greater sense of purpose and keep you focused on reaching your destination.
For example, if you want to preserve your co-parenting relationship, you might find a co-parenting app to ensure transparency of schedules and attend co-parenting classes together.
If you’re focused on your financial future, you might meet with a financial planner and/or tax specialist to understand the long-term implications of different settlement options and discuss strategies for a fair division of retirement accounts with your attorney.
Once you’ve outlined your goals and the large and small steps you need to take to achieve them, remember to celebrate each one as you meet them. Taking even a moment to acknowledge your success reinforces the progress you’ve made.
Accepting support can make divorce less stressful
Even with all the above in place, you might still feel like a solo juggling act right now. Your to-do list has hefty tasks like figuring out a new budget, finding a new place to live, negotiating child custody with your co-parent. (And keeping yourself together during it all.)
It’s common sense to say “find support” to help with these things, but that’s easier said than done. When you’re feeling overwhelmed, it can actually be harder to ask for help handling things.
Cognitive distortions like mental overload (when your mental resources get stretched thin) and tunnel vision (hyper-focusing on immediate problems) can get in the way of long-term thinking and decision-making.
To make it easier to ask for (and accept) support, these practical steps can help:
- Normalize asking for help. Accept that everyone needs help and share your experiences to reduce stigma.
- Cultivate self-awareness. Regularly check your stress levels and practice mindfulness.
- Develop a “helper roster.” List people who can help and how.
- Address fear of judgment. Challenge negative thoughts! Seeking help can be an act of strength, not weakness.
- Start small and realistic. Begin with minor tasks to build confidence before tackling larger issues. Acknowledge there is no “perfect” help.
- Reframe requests as collaboration. Look at seeking help as teamwork to make it feel more comfortable.
Some help is best when provided by a professional. Not sure who the right fit would be? This is another area where your divorce attorney can step up and provide referrals for financial planning, career development, and even emotional resources like individual or group therapy.
Navigating the divorce process is a challenge, but it doesn’t have to be overwhelming. By finding the right attorney who understands your needs, maintaining clear and consistent communication, accepting support, and keeping your goals in sight, you can reduce the stress associated with this transition, empowering you to move forward with confidence and clarity.
Sarah Jacobs is a Matrimonial Law Attorney Certified by the Supreme Court of New Jersey who is dedicated to protecting the interests of her clients in family law proceedings. She also co-founded the family law firm Jacobs Berger LLC with Jamie N. Berger to help families through the divorce process and beyond.
Related:
5 Important Steps to Take Before Divorce
Compromising In Divorce: How to Choose Your Battles
