What’s the point in telling someone that you’re struggling? Self-Harm is a really great example of someone using resiliency to find a way to make it through. Self-Harm can help someone to get through difficult feelings. The challenge is that there are innumerable risks to someone’s safety and self harm can have long-term effects. Finding ways to address the thoughts and feelings that are making you want to self harm is really important and having support on the journey to replacing this coping strategy is really key. We’ll talk about how to have the conversation. You can also find information and resources for Self Harm and learn about ways to Understand Self-Harm.

Check Your Assumptions

Going into a conversation feeling defensive can translate into the other person not receiving what you have to say well. Noticing what you think will happen and how you expect the other person to respond and trying to challenge these assumptions ahead of time can help you go into the conversation with the right approach. Noticing the fears you may have about talking to someone can also help you to push through the fear in the moment for the goal of letting them know. You may stop from telling someone because you don’t want to burden them but think about what this person would say to you if you told them that. These tips for Effective Communication may give you a place to start. Particularly, the tip that talks about DEARMAN can give you a format to prepare what you’d like to say and how to have the conversation. 

Think About Your Goal

If you’re telling someone about your self-harm, you may want to think ahead about how this person could offer support to you. Can they help you get connected to a mental health organization? Can they work with you to make a plan to help you the next time you have an urge to self-harm? Can you tell them about what instruments you use for self harm and work together to make these inaccessible? Is there a message or phrase that would be helpful to hear from them? Having your goal in mind ahead of time will help you to ask for help when the time is right.

Be Honest

You’ve chosen to tell this person in particular because you believe they will support you, be able to help you or be able to work through this with you. Trust in your relationship and be transparent with what you’re dealing with. Let them know how you self-harm, how often or the last time and if you know them, what your triggers may be. 

Language

If you’re looking for how to start and have the conversation, check out this list of suggestions below:

• Can I talk to you?
• I need your help. Is now a good time to talk?
• When would be a good time for us to talk? I have something to share.
• I need to tell you something and I need you to listen, hear me out and not judge me
• I’ve been having really hard feelings lately and I’ve been self-harming to deal with them.
• I’ve been really sad and it makes me want to self-harm
• I might not be able to answer all your questions, but you can ask them if you’d like.
• I want you to know because I know that you’ll be able to support me (help me, etc).
• I’m letting you know because I trust you

Have a Plan For After

“Sometimes when we reach out, the other person might react differently from what we were expecting or hoping. It’s important not to take their reaction personally, as it’s more about them than it is about you! If you can, let them know how it made you feel.” Find more tips for Reaching Out For Support. We hope that the person you tell can help you get the help you need. Think ahead about how you might want to end the conversation. Would you like to continue spending time together doing a different activity? Would you want them to support you in making a safety plan? Perhaps also plan an independent activity or plan with other friends that you can do and look forward to. This way, you can engage in this activity regardless of how the person you’re speaking to will react. 

We hope this blog gives you the confidence to let someone in your life know what you’re going through. You don’t have to go through it alone. You can use the Be Safe App to create a safety plan for reducing self harm behaviours and to find resources to support you.