“I‘m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house,” — Zsa Zsa Gabor. In this article, SAS looks at the often-heard script that divorce always favors the woman, and it’s quite possible that tongue-in-cheek quotes, such as the above, have contributed to this idea. Oh yeah, and have you heard about the latest toy to hit the shelves this year: all-new Divorced Barbie; she comes with her own accessories, as well as Ken’s house, car, boat, and dog.

As well as jokes, there’s the media, too. TV and newspapers love to expose the juicy gossip about the rich and famous getting divorced and how the wife seemingly comes out on top. Just the other day, my friend and I were watching a Netflix documentary on the life of Donald Trump. When it came to the bit when he met Ivana, my friend couldn’t help blurting out how well Trump’s first wife came out of the divorce settlement. The New York Times reported that Ivana was awarded $14 million, together with a 45-room mansion and an apartment in the Trump Plaza.

All these things add to the narrative that women have some unfair advantage in divorce proceedings. And this idea that divorce favors women is well-known across the pond, too. In the U.K., there’s a charity called Fathers4Justice, fighting in the men’s corner against the “unfair” justice system.

Public Perceptions

So, in this age of “equality,” does divorce always favor women, or is it just a myth put about by disgruntled guys? If you’re going through a divorce or are about to, it’s essential to understand that perceptions do matter, as we will see.

When Divorce Feels One-Sided

If I had to summarize my experience of divorce, I would say that time has changed my outlook. When I was in the middle of it, I certainly didn’t feel as if I had the upper hand. In fact, the opposite. The whole thing felt very one-sided. Like, if only people knew what really happened. The mechanics of the whole thing seemed very alien to me, too. Up until this point, I’d never had any real dealings with lawyers in my life before. It was like one of those horrible dreams when you’re sitting behind the wheel of a car that has a mind of its own. You want to turn right, and the damn thing goes left.

Let’s not even talk about the brakes! Now, in my life after divorce, looking back, a little older and wiser (I hope), I believe that everything was handled as fairly as possible. And no, in case you’re wondering, I didn’t get everything I thought I was entitled to—but then again, neither did he.

I must confess that I have heard of some cases that actually made me feel sorry for the husband, but if there’s anything that life has taught me, it’s that our perceptions are often very different from reality. Have you ever heard of the saying—there are three sides to every story: your side, my side, and the truth? And while it’s true that witnesses to the same accident often tell a different tale, like me, you’ve probably noticed how, in an argument, it’s usually the dissatisfied ones who complain loudest and longest.

How Public Opinion Fuels the Myth

Checking out social media posts on what is clearly an emotive subject reveals an interesting polar-opposite split of opinions. Here are just two examples from an online platform.

On the question, Why does divorce favor women more than men? One woman posted, “It doesn’t, at least not in the United States. That’s a common myth. Women are far more likely than men to live at or below the poverty line following a divorce, whereas men are statistically most likely to have their standard of living INCREASE.”

One man commented, “Haven’t you learned this yet? No, men and women are not equal according to the law. Women are CLEARLY superior as far as law is concerned.”

But why does this idea that divorce always favors the woman persist? SAS for Women will try to bust the myth. Let’s take a brief look at some areas that, on the surface, appear to favor women. 

Are Women Treated More Favorably When It Comes to Dividing Assets? 

In a nutshell, U.S. divorce laws are designed to be gender neutral. Even so, there are differences depending on where you live. In “Community Property” or “50/50” states like Arizona, California, Texas, and Washington, courts split assets and debts acquired during marriage straight down the middle. On paper, it’s the perfect solution to what can be a complicated and messy issue.

If it’s time to get educated about your situation, begin by reading “36 Things to Do If You Are Thinking About Divorce.”

However, most states, including New York, follow an equitable approach, in which courts divide assets fairly. But this doesn’t necessarily mean equality. Just like “50/50” states, the law in equitable states doesn’t consider gender per se.

Rather, it looks at each individual’s circumstances, regardless of whether it’s a man or a woman. Such things as each person’s needs, their contributions to the marriage—both financial and otherwise, the age and health of both partners, how long the marriage lasted, and even how employable each person is and their future earning potential. But, even with this system, there are variations. Some states stress certain aspects of the law. This may depend on how much you contributed financially or how long you were married. That’s why it’s important to know which approach your home state uses. Or better yet, add it to your questions to ask a divorce attorney at a consultation.

So, although the law’s ultimate goal is fairness and does not favor women over men, it might not always feel that way, with some men left feeling discriminated against.

Women and Children First?

The second area SAS will look at is whether courts always favor women when it comes to custody of children and child support. After all, statistics indicate that in approximately 80% of divorce cases, women are the ones who get the main custody of children.

Rightly or wrongly, tradition has led to various stereotypes. Women have traditionally taken on most childcare responsibilities, while men have typically acted as the primary breadwinners. These values are deeply embedded in the human psyche. However, this idea still pervades even in cases where mothers go out to work, and fathers have played a big part in their children’s development. 

Thankfully, the law takes a more pragmatic approach, with its main objective to look out for the child’s best interests instead of automatically giving the mother the benefit of the doubt. Custody decisions are based on things like the mother and father’s relationship with the child, each parent’s ability to take care of the child’s needs, the kind of environment the child will live in, and, assuming they’re old enough to make decisions, the child’s personal preference. In addition, some state laws, such as those in Pennsylvania and California, specifically instruct that the court must not show any preference to the parent’s gender. So, contrary to popular belief, it’s not always a forgone conclusion that the woman will come out on top when it comes to child custody.

Not surprisingly, decisions regarding child support are based on similar criteria to child custody. Once again, the child’s welfare is of paramount importance. Even when parents get 50/50 custody, one parent may have to pay child support if they are earning a markedly higher wage. And once again, the court doesn’t discriminate whether you are a man or a woman.

Men, Women, and Alimony Payments

Similarly, the law does not differentiate between men and women when it comes to alimony payments (sometimes known as spousal support or maintenance). Rulings are based purely on facts and figures, not gender. It’s true that in most cases, it’s the man who ends up paying maintenance to his ex-wife, but this is down to the fact that even in this day and age, men generally have higher wages. In some cases, the roles reverse, and women pay alimony—further showing that the law does not favor women.

If you make more money than your spouse, you may want to read “Breadwinning Women Face an Uphill Battle When Married and When Divorcing.”

Interestingly, while researching this theme, I discovered that alimony seems to be the latest hot topic among divorce experts. Permanent alimony occurs when a court requires one spouse to provide indefinite financial support to the other, ending only if one party dies or the recipient remarries. (Read “What is a Gray Divorce”.) But times are changing, and reform could be on the way. Some states are lobbying for an end to permanent or open-ended alimony and initiating time limits, while at the same time encouraging financial self-sufficiency for would-be recipients. Such reforms would no doubt go some way to dispelling the myth that divorce always favors women.

Why Perceptions Matter

Preconceived ideas can often affect our attitudes and our positivity in the way we approach something. If you think that divorce always favors women, could this lull you into a false sense of security? In situations like divorce, where you’re under the spotlight, there can also be pressure sometimes to be “fair” and hold back from asking for what is rightfully yours.

This can work the other way, too. This feeling that women are somehow in a stronger position could also influence men to take a more aggressive approach to divorce. 

Such unfounded opinions could muddy the waters and make the challenging process of divorce even more stressful, ultimately leading to a less satisfactory outcome. And when all’s said and done, you still may have to deal with your Ex for years to come. Wouldn’t it be better if those brief moments were respectful and cooperative rather than unpleasant or vindictive?

If that’s just wishful thinking, you might read “41 Things to Remember When Coparenting with a Narcissist.”

I found an online post from a man who made a thought-provoking comment about divorce always favoring women: “This always amazes me when men complain about the bias, alleged or real, in the courts. Who do you think set up the courts? Have you ever read the legislation and the legislative intent? I can guarantee you that 90% of the time, a man or men wrote the laws.”

It’s far better to have an accurate and balanced view of the realities of divorce. A good divorce coach can be an invaluable guide at such times. SAS for Women founder, Liza Caldwell, once advised me to try to view the decisions about my divorce like a business transaction and not personally. It was difficult for me, but looking back, she was right; the law is there to protect both sides, promote fairness, and not favor one side over another.

NOTES

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*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”