If you think your daughter might be involved in an abusive relationship, here’s how you can help without escalating the situation:

Recognize the Signs of Domestic Violence

Signs of domestic violence can be physical, emotional, psychological, or financial. The signs can include the threat or act of physical
violence, being forced or pressured into unwanted situations, and limiting or cutting off relationships to loved ones. If you recognize one sign, it is possible that there may be more behind closed doors.

Learn the Language

Familiarize yourself with objective and non-judgmental language, especially being mindful of your authority role as a parent. Using “I” statements can help them feel less blamed or attacked.

For example, “I noticed your partner has been calling you names. I’m concerned about that. Is everything okay?”

Avoid saying that they “need to,” “have to,” and “should” as this language can make a person feel judged—the exact opposite of your intention.

Prepare to Listen and Not Judge

There is no way to predict how your daughter will respond to you checking in. It is possible that they believe they are not in an abusive relationship. They can decide not to continue the conversation and may even become offended. Prepare for any pushback and let them know that you are there for them if they ever want to discuss this topic again.

If your daughter opens up about their relationship, she may share explicit or shocking content that might trigger you. Feeling angry or protective may cause you to make judgmental statements, so it is good to go into any conversation being mindful of your reactions and the safe space you are trying to create for communication.

Create a Plan

Once you understand the signs of abuse and practice helpful language, you can create a strategy to speak to your daughter while keeping them safe. It’s critical to identify a time and place that is safe for them to speak, when they are physically away from their partner or anyone else who could overhear and potentially compromise their safety.

Let Them Know That Help is Available

Safe Horizon has many resources to help survivors:
Advocates are available 24/7 via our Hotline: 1-800-621-4673 (HOPE).
You can also chat with an advocate online via SafeChat from Mon. – Fri. 9 a.m. – 6 p.m. by visiting safehorizon.org/safechat.

If you need resources outside of New York City, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.