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There are many answers to why women divorce men, and while some may be person-specific, I have found that there exist certain common themes or shared reasons, too. Although a Google search reveals that these reasons usually revolve around infidelity, a commitment problem, and the couple not communicating, there are myriad other reasons as well. At the top of my list is addiction problems. If you’re married to a man who is addicted to alcohol, drugs, shopping, gambling, porn, other women, or a combination of all of these, it could be the reason you’re divorcing him.
Why Women Divorce Men: Addiction
That’s certainly the reason I divorced my Ex. Addiction to both alcohol and drugs came with many issues that, over time, I couldn’t overlook. Aside from our relationship being dysfunctional because he had only one reason for existing, which involved getting the next fix, there were many other concerns. For starters, it wasn’t a very stable environment for a child.
I knew this because I’d had that kind of childhood. I remember waking up to hear my mother pleading with my father to stop drinking, as he bent over the toilet, heaving. I remember her crying when she couldn’t move him, and he was prostrate on the floor. When he threw me out of the house because he was high and drunk and was convinced I’d eaten all the ice cream in the freezer. I remember I peed my pants that time and left home for a month to stay with my aunt. He had to beg me to return. Promises that he’d get better were never kept.
And now I was allowing my daughter to face the very same situation. Her father was also addicted to drugs and alcohol. But there was one difference. Unlike my mother, I wasn’t prepared to let him get away with it.
I realized there was no way he’d give up his vices despite loving us. That had been confirmed when I sought counseling and went to Al-Anon meetings for family members of alcoholics. It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that addiction can be stronger than any feelings a person has towards a partner or their children. But I came to terms with that, which was a step in the right direction.
Why Women Divorce Men: Seeking Normalcy
Perhaps he’s having an affair – or you are. Maybe you’re tired of each other and have fallen out of love. Or the two of you aren’t communicating anymore, for any number of reasons. Perhaps one or both of you has fallen out of love.
If you think men have a monopoly on cheating, you’ll be thinking again after you read “The Cheating Wife Phenomenon.”
Is he abusive? My Ex was. We’d go out on a dinner date, and, as he drank, he’d transform. “Dr. Jekyll” was pleasant after a few drinks. But then he’d turn into “Mr. Hyde”. His eyes would darken, his tone would change, and I’d know I was in trouble. Just that one drink too many, and he wasn’t the same person anymore.
I remember the last time it happened. I excused myself and went to the restroom. My fear was so intense that I vomited. But that didn’t change the evening’s events. We got home, and I hid in the bathroom so I didn’t get smacked. He was furious, so he sprayed his aftershave under the door. The next morning, I found him, passed out in his own vomit.
When does the person you married change from one person into another?
And why does this happen?
Although I’d lived with my Ex for seven years before we married, I had lived in constant denial. When my daughter was born, what I’d been prepared to accept when it was just the two of us wasn’t what I was going to accept when an innocent child was involved.
In leaving my abusive marriage, perhaps I was trying to make things better for the little girl I’d been who’d experienced all that suffering; or maybe it was because, as a mother, I wasn’t prepared to let my child have similar experiences to mine. Seeking normalcy is a definite reason to pull the plug on a marriage that isn’t going the way you want it to.
Why Women Divorce Men: When Enough is Enough
What is “enough”? It’s when a woman reaches the point when she can’t take it anymore, and consults a divorce lawyer, after attempting marriage counseling and other ways to improve the toxic marriage. Whatever gets you there, when you reach that point of no return, you know it’s over.
Susan, 59, from Boston, had been with her partner, Pierre, for more than 20 years. When he retired as a specialist physician, he decided to have an operation on his spine that he’d been putting off for ages. At 74, he was reasonably healthy, but the operation didn’t go well. Next thing, he was bedridden. And this is when Susan decided she’d had enough. Their 15-year-age gap had never bothered her before, but now it seemed insurmountable. Spending the rest of her life looking after a sickly spouse wasn’t the way she wanted to enter her sixties.
Was Susan selfish?
It depends on which side of the fence you’re sitting on. I adored Pierre and thought she was. Her best friends, Gail and Claudia, disagreed. Susan sought a divorce, and Pierre, who was wealthy, hired a private nurse. The irony? He wasn’t bedridden forever. He recovered, but by that time, their marriage was over.
The moment I’d had enough? When my Ex hit me while I was holding our four-year-old in my arms. I pressed the panic button, and a security guard escorted the two of us out of the house. We never returned. When I visited my lawyer for the second time (I’d initiated divorce proceedings two years previously, when my daughter was two), my lawyer asked if I had a boyfriend. No, I didn’t. I’d just had enough.
I guess that’s when the overthinking when to leave your husband ceases.
It’s time.
Why Women Divorce Men: The Eternal Triangle
Fay, 38, from San Diego, had three sons under the age of 12 years when she found out that her husband, David, was having an affair with her best friend. Because the couple was wealthy quasi-celebrities, their divorce, which she initiated, was fodder for the paparazzi, and Fay’s life was a nightmare. Eventually, with the divorce and years of counseling behind her, Fay was able to move on. She married Syd when she was in her mid-forties, and they moved to LA. They now have a daughter, Willa, who is five.
Fay’s three sons visit their father at least twice a year – in the summer, and also at Christmas or Easter. When David comes to LA once a year, he and his wife, Amy, stay at Fay and Syd’s to spend more time with the boys. Fay ensured her kids had a good relationship with their father, despite his infidelity. I admire her for that. I admire her because she did what she had to do, but still strove to do it her way to the point that she’s even “friends” with her Ex.
Why Women Divorce Men: What to Do When It’s Too Late
Pippa, 53, from Miami, married Abe on the rebound, a year after her previous fiancé called off their wedding. When she and Abe started seeing each other, he was a great comfort. After 18 months, the couple had triplets through IVF.
If you are having a hard time articulating your truth, you might want to read “I Want a Divorce: 5 Steps to Help You Say It.”
The IVF process took its toll on Pippa and Abe, but they soldiered on. Despite trying hard to make things work for their sons, Mike and Martin, and daughter, Polly, now 10, cracks began to appear. Pippa didn’t want her kids to witness their squabbles, and after couples counseling didn’t resolve their issues, she initiated a divorce.
Conclusion
So why do women divorce men? You might as well ask, what percentage of marriages end in divorce, as yet another inquiry for trying to find normalcy with your situation. The fact is, nobody starts thinking about divorce without having a very good reason for doing so. We may not understand some of the reasons women do this, but let’s face it. We have no idea what’s been happening behind closed doors. Do some of those divorced women later regret or wonder will the pain of divorce ever go away? I’m sure some do. But those, like me, who made the right decision, watch our kids grow up, hopefully with good relationships with both parents, and we thank our lucky stars for taking the leap.
NOTES
Sharon Preston is a writer and editor. She has edited numerous lifestyle magazines and ghostwritten several books. She lives in a cottage in Johannesburg, South Africa with her two cats. You can connect with Sharon here: sharpreston1234@gmail.com
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