So, what’s your reaction to the question: Can you emotionally prepare for divorce as a woman? My first thought was, “No way!”

To illustrate, sometimes, it might be a particular film, but for me, it’s most often music. Eva Cassidy’s version of Fields of Gold is just one of the songs that always gets to me. I’ve heard it countless times, but no matter how many times I hear it, I can never near the end of it without my eyes getting watery and a lump coming up in my throat.  Reportedly, even Sting, the original songwriter, was moved to tears when he heard it. My point is that even when we know what’s coming, our emotions often sneak up and surprise us. 

It would seem that the emotional turmoil that divorce brings and the unknowing of how things will go, make it impossible to prepare your emotions, or does it?

It Depends. . . Doesn’t It?

Like most things, and divorce in particular, the answer is never a simple yes or no. How well we manage our feelings of loss and sadness during divorce depends not just on how we deal with things in our own individual ways, but also on our own unique set of circumstances.

For instance, did the marriage breakdown happen suddenly, or had it been a toxic marriage, brewing for a long time? Possible years? Had you been thinking about divorce for a long time? Were you the initiator?  Or were you hit with it? One woman told me, “Ours was not an unhappy marriage. Nothing…absolutely NOTHING prepared me for it, since it came out of the blue two weeks after our 24th wedding anniversary.”

While another made this interesting point: “Much of the preparation and processing was done subconsciously on my part. I have believed for a long time that your subconscious mind ‘knows’ and exerts more control over your actions than you will ever be aware of in the moment.”

Personally, the news hit me like a tidal wave. I had had my suspicions some months before, but we’d gotten over it, and the situation had seemed to resolve itself. But, nearly 20 years later, I can still remember the exact moment he admitted to me that the rumors had been true: he was having an affair with one of my closest friends. Despite my doubts some months earlier, it still felt like a bolt out of the blue. I had been planning for the future; our two kids were staying with relatives for a few days while we were decorating and sprucing up the house. The second the words left his lips, the tears poured down my cheeks. At first, I didn’t feel any anger, just a debilitating numbness.

I know this sounds dramatic, but the end of a marriage is indeed so. As my reality shifted, the oncoming days and months, years, even felt like a bereavement to me. It was the death of my relationship. I’d forgiven him once before, many years earlier, but twice? Never! There was no going back. And, although I know it was the right decision to divorce, and ultimately, I would be so much better off without him, it still hurt—a lot! (If you relate to this, consider reading “9 Kick-Ass Things to Do if Your Husband Leaves You.”.

Getting Over It

Sometime later, one of my real friends told me—although I never realized it at the time— they’d seen me go through the classic stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. And if you wonder how long does it take to get over a divorce? I’ll let you know that it took me an awfully long time.

About seven years.

These thoughts were echoed by a divorced friend: “I didn’t prepare for it. I couldn’t. I spent weeks, months with anxiety, depression, sleepless nights. . . and it simply took years to heal.”

As I see it, there was absolutely no way I could have avoided at least some emotional trauma. I think everyone goes through those stages of grief to a greater or lesser degree. So, is the question about emotional preparation as dumb as I first thought? After careful consideration, no, not really.

Now, I’m not for one second saying that my divorce would’ve been easy, but if I’d have been more informed in certain ways, with a defined action plan, perhaps I would’ve gotten over things quicker, understood myself more, and maybe it wouldn’t have been seven years before I became me again. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining about my emotions, I’m kinda proud of the fact that I can’t make it through Toy Story 2 without welling up.

When it happened to me, I didn’t have a clue about divorce, never mind an action plan. It was like being in a kind of no-man’s land, with nowhere to run for safety.

So, How Did I Get Through It?

Work as a Lifeline

Luckily, I had a good job and even better friends. I can honestly say that during the whole time, I never missed a single day’s work due to the emotional pressure of going through a divorce. Work acted as a distraction for me; I threw myself into it and kept myself as busy as possible.

Focusing on My Children

I tried to do the same at home, too. I did even more activities with the kids, and whenever possible, went on little day trips now and then. Nothing extravagant, just simple things to take my mind off the situation, all the while making them feel they were the most important kids in the whole world. Which of course they were–are!

The Friends Who Showed Up

Weirdly, I never reached out to my friends. I felt too embarrassed, and I didn’t want to be a burden on them. After all, who wants to be around a complainer? But my friends—they know who they are—were brilliantly sensitive! It was they who reached out to me, invited me over, and never took no for an answer. And, although we never really discussed my situation, their company kept my mind occupied, replaced negative thoughts with positive ones, and made me feel normal again. Again, it was nothing out of the ordinary; we’d watch a film or share a meal, simple stuff.

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I also went and found myself things to do. At times, I wanted to sink into the ground, but I pushed myself to go out. I bought myself some running shoes and took up jogging. The benefits were twofold: I got slimmer, plus it helped me to have a more stable mindset. When I exercise, I find myself tuning into my thoughts more intensely. When I get home, the issues I’m facing are still the same, but somehow, I feel more comfortable about them. It’s a bit like defragging your old computer, allowing for clearer thought processes.

So how did I get through it? Well, as you can see, it was more by luck than by design. But what if I’d have taken a more proactive approach? After you’ve been ticking off the practical, legal, and financial things to be doing on your divorce checklist, how can you emotionally prepare for divorce as a woman?

Education

What proactive steps can you take to help lessen the emotional impact of divorce?

On social media, I noticed one woman commented, “I don’t think you can actually prepare for it. I am the one who asked for a divorce. It is the right decision, but it is still hard sometimes. You cannot prepare yourself for occasional, inexplicable sadness or for overflowing joy. You cannot be ready for the emotional rollercoaster.” But, she added, interestingly: “However, you can study the legal process and find your lawyer beforehand.”

She’s right, of course! Learning the right questions to ask a divorce attorney at a consultation and finding out about the legal process will definitely help. When you do suddenly find yourself in that no-man’s land of despair, you’ll be able to find that safe refuge, and you’ll have found answers to some of your questions. It’s often the unknown that scares us, so educating yourself will go a long way to removing any doubt and uncertainty.

While our emotions are the very essence of who and what we are as humans. Understand that just for the meantime, playtime is over. Take time to research the legalities of your situation in your state or province. I always recommend that a woman get a private legal consultation to start learning what the law says, and not what your spouse says. A lawyer advises you on where you stand within the law and the opportunities, both legal and economic, that are open to you.

You might want to read: “Advice from a NYC Divorce Attorney: How to Have a Good Relationship with Your Divorce Lawyer”.

And just in case you worry that consulting with an attorney might accelerate a divorce, divorce coach and educator Liza Caldwell from SAS for Women offers some perspective to help you get over the hump:

“Remind yourself: getting educated doesn’t mean you are committing to divorce. You are simply getting educated, and from there, you’ll look at your situation in a new, empowered way. It’s what any smart woman would do.”

Emotional Acceptance

Emotional acceptance is not about shelving your feelings or suppressing them, but rather, owning them and processing them in an orderly way. Learning how to deal with your emotions and avoid them controlling you is a skill that you will have ample opportunity to exercise in the divorce. (Silver lining!) There are various ways in which you can do this. Here are some ideas.

Don’t neglect your physical needs, a healthy body–a healthy mind. Look after yourself by eating healthily, don’t over-indulge with drinks, and try to get a good night’s sleep. Or, maybe allow time for some self-reflection by taking regular walks in the fresh air. The brain research tells us that within 5-10 minutes of being in sunlight, our moods and energy can shift.  Why not leverage the power of Mother Nature?

Sometimes I find it’s easier to share my feelings with relative strangers rather than close friends that I’ve known for years. You can find like-minded people who are happy to listen and share their experiences and advice by evaluating divorce support groups and finding the right one for you.  Or you may know yourself so well that you like the idea of working with a mentor who is privately guiding you through the labyrinth and stages of divorce. If so, you’ll want to explore what divorce coaching is. When all around you seems confusing and precarious, finding a connection with someone is priceless.

At the time I was going through my divorce, I’d never even heard of the word journaling, but I did it anyway. I used to leave a notepad and a pen lying around (no, not within view of my Ex!) I found that just by jotting down my thoughts, how I felt that particular day, what triggered them, was a calming experience. It somehow stopped the emotions from being so loud. It was like I was giving them a space outside of my system. I wouldn’t forget about them, but they had a particular place to stay when I was finished. On paper.

The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

Of course, a divorce means an end, but it also heralds a new beginning. How does the saying go now? As one door closes, another one opens. Whether it’s confiding in friends and family, an online community, or a divorce coach, therapist, or attorney, focusing on your future will help you more easily disengage from the past. If you don’t believe me, let’s conclude with some words from one woman who successfully made it to the Other Side, independence:

“Some days, I’m amazed at my strength, power, and growth. I am so proud of myself for making it through, and I am sure you will be too if that’s the path you choose.”

NOTES

Learning how other women survive and go on to lead full, meaningful lives after divorce is one of the best gifts you can give yourself.

Trust us.

Since 2012, SAS for Women has been helping women consider … navigate … and rebuild after divorce. Options include educational programs, private coaching, divorce groups, virtual events, and a FREE 6-month, weekly coaching letter dedicated to your journey.

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*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or “he.”